Released? Free? Offbeat!!
If you have read the previous pages, you have understood that this "after" is only a fake nose, the bestiau being still there, but it is still cooler than "during". I resumed my activities early May (even though I did not remain inactive the previous three months), 15 days after the last one chemo Basically. I try to make everything work with the help of my loved ones, the people I work with and the Team, fighting against an undeniable bottom of fatigue, a bottomless fatigue (yes, it was fun) that decreases very, very, (too?) gradually. I experienced exhausting levels, energy hollows that I didn't even suspect were possible and, for the first time in my life, I felt physically... Dude. When you climb your three floors with races and you have to stop at the second one, when you literally die your mouth just by changing the cables and config your network of computers, without even moving the bikes properly, and I don't even talk about the famous day of the Covid or I went 20 cm at each step with the head turning, no strength, a body in semi-autonomy, his pilot too reached to decide what to do.
Flashes! Hinhiiin..
Since then, although I am neither worn on the morbid nor pessimistic, on the contrary, I have flashes. What would happen if...? What would it change so suddenly...?These trials, especially during the two or three days when the Covid invited himself on this, made me feel concretely, both carnal and intellectual, the permanent fragility of our biological life, how much we are on a ridge, a wire. It generates "instant deathflashes" in me. Popopop! We calm down, huh, nothing serious but, suddenly, the idea that you could die the second after you cross the mind at light speed. You did not see it coming, it does not remain: like a reminder, a sword of Damocles madeleine way of Proust. This is not common, which makes it all poetry. Just a way to misunderstand things in a slightly off-set way.
Smell
I'm left with a heightened sense of smell, which is rather unpleasant on a daily basis. As much as I loved rediscovering all those smells when I quit smoking in the last century (!), now it's like a smell amplifier, fortunately less powerful than during the most intense part of the treatment. And when you're confronted with a smell that's already strong, it's like a guitar amp, it saturates your olfactory cells. So I often lose my appetite, for example if I bump into the guy from the Axe ad. Then I just have one of the protein yogurts prescribed by the nutritionist for loss of appetite: things that are full of everything, fat, protein, etc., which nourish you like a meal. They're not very good, but they're not disgusting either. Yogurts from between two worlds, basically.
I'm still not interested in medicine: I see that as a form of self-protection, and given the number of competent people working on my condition, I don't need to worry about it. I have even more respect for healthcare professionals than before. I've learned a thing or two about cancer, the tests that are done, some of the equipment and how it works. I've gained experience as a patient and don't feel the need to go any further. This is another example of “positioning”: being in the right place at the right time, having the right team, etc. The rest...
