Feeling much better...
...and now that things are getting better, people, or at least “some people,” think that I'm going to pick up where I left off, just like before. Except that... No!
Whatever it looked like, I wasn't stopped at all, not in the slightest. I was just focused. On the urgency. Staying alive! But the brain, that animal, keeps working non-stop, observing, thinking, learning lessons during these times of intense mobilization. Your thoughts are also fueled by the situation, which gives you a certain perspective, induced by your stepping back. This perspective is instructive, allowing you to observe your actions, your situation, your journey, and your daily life from a whole new angle. You put things into perspective, you dissect, you analyze much more calmly and even quite coldly, without any emotional interference. Certain things become obvious, and some of your past efforts seem futile, pointless, useless, or even harmful. Others may lack consistency or commitment, or may not be on target. This is a good opportunity to take a closer look at yourself.
Physically, too, there is a lot going on, as I have already explained at length. But the thing is, you tend to think that when things will get better, you will regain your full strength, just like before. Except that, once again, the answer is... No!
Having sensed it fairly early on, I talked about it with several friends who had been through the same struggle (much more severely and for much longer than me), that period when, like Sisyphus, you try to push your rock back up the mountain, when you try to climb back up the slope, as they say. Fortunately, your rock only rolls back down a few meters each time, and you can start climbing again. But it's very, very, very slow, and you realize that you'll probably never fully regain your breath, your endurance, your muscle strength, your energy, or your ability to manage ten things at once.
This last point is probably not a bad thing, because your brain has also pointed out the areas where you were struggling alone to move forward, develop an idea, a project, or a situation. I realized that I had to take control of all this, eliminate the superfluous, and stop being too available, simply because I no longer have the physical means to do so.
It's not about stopping everything at once, but rather about pacing yourself, knowing how to say no, being able to slow down, setting your own pace, and not letting others dictate it. Either way, you no longer have a choice. It's take it or leave it.
No limit?
A third lesson from this perspective is: “Don't hold yourself back.” This isn't my quote, but one of my friends I mentioned earlier. Let's be clear, I'm not saying you should go rob a jewelry store or run naked down the Champs-Elysées. That's not what I mean. I haven't magically become a “life coach” either, far from it! I'm talking about the limits we set for ourselves, the ones that prevent us from taking action because we think we're not good enough, not experienced enough, too old, too young, not smart enough, not handsome enough, not tall enough, not fast enough, not rich enough, etc. Basically, it's about breaking through the glass ceiling we've built up over the years and giving it a shot, no matter what. We may not necessarily succeed, but at least we won't have any regrets.
I already had a bit of that in me, always on the lookout for what was coming, but I had closed doors to myself. Writing, for example. Yes, I've written hundreds, maybe thousands of pages, reviewing musical gear, interviewing people, writing methods, manuals, tutorials, but writing about my ideas, about myself, laying out my thoughts seemed like such a pretentious, inappropriate, arrogant exercise that I had never tried it before. Well, that's done! And it's likely to continue on other topics. I'm thinking about other small challenges I want to take on while I'm at it.
This does not prevent certain areas from being objectively unattainable: understanding mathematics, for example (this may be my next article; it is almost ready). EDIT: IT IS ready.Because my brain has been rejecting it reflexively for 50 years. Objectively speaking, there is no chance of success. When your brain systematically short-circuits on a subject, you can't even approach it. Especially since I've already tried to pick up the thread several times, so no regrets. Well, maybe, but never mind.
Same goes for sports. I've thought about it a lot. There's obviously a physical barrier now, but I think I've always lacked a key ingredient: a competitive spirit or the desire to push myself beyond my limits. Winning or losing, I couldn't care less! I don't see the point in being the best or coming first. It's all temporary, and I don't have as much time as I thought I did. So let's not waste it, right?
My family and friends tell me:
— You can take a walk in the woods, there's no competition.
— Going for a walk in the forest with no other purpose than to walk? Seriously? What a boring activity, right?
— Bike, then.
— Same thing: riding a bike just to ride a bike? Total PITA...
Add to that the hyper-representation of sport in society, the glorification of its “values” and its supposed and dubious “exemplary nature,” and you've made me dislike it even more. And then there's the fact that I've already tried four or five times (French boxing, long-distance running, soccer goalkeeping, canoeing/kayaking, walking, cycling) and it always ended badly (broken ribs, sprains). No regrets, either.
I walked a lot as a child. With my mother, with my brother, with my friends, with the Eclaireurs et Eclaireuses de France (non religious equivalent of the Scouts), on my own. But there was always a destination, a real goal, to get somewhere, to visit friends, to go home, to find shelter, etc. And even back then, I got bored half the time. So much so that I promised myself I'd get a car as soon as I could, because I saw it as the freedom to go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted, carrying whatever I wanted. I should point out that back then you couldn't take the bus with an electric guitar amp; the driver wouldn't let you on. All this to say that walking has never been a pleasure for me, but an obligation.
Another paradox
In short, apart from math, sports, and maybe one or two other areas, I feel mentally ready to try things I've never attempted before, usually because I had a false or exaggerated idea about them.It's quite paradoxical really: you acknowledge the physical limitations caused by the disease, you incorporate them into your thinking, and at the same time, you free yourself from your mental “self-imposed limitations,” at least some of them. We'll see where all this leads.
P.S. I wrote this last Saturday (October 7, 2023), and on Sunday, I had a day of mega headaches, toothaches, and extreme fatigue. I got up at 11:00 a.m. and went back to bed around 1:30 p.m., feeling as tired as if I hadn't stopped all day.The next day, the worst of it was over, but it was still far from "feeling better.”
P.S.2 On Monday the 9th, at the end of the day, I dropped my car at the garage. I went home on my bike, which I had put in the trunk. I took a wrong turn and rode at least 5 km at full speed to get home before nightfall, since I didn't have any lights. So much for “the guy who doesn't want to exercise.”
A paradox on a shift has a name?... No?
